We all have our weaknesses, our flaws, our negative predispositions. The things that we want to change about ourselves but so far lack the courage to try. Or maybe we think that it’s impossible, that these traits are innate and we cannot fix them. Or maybe… the obstacle that stops us from trying, is a fear is that we will fail, and by failing, make our problems worse.
I think most of us can relate to this. We have a desire to change, but translating that desire from a mental theory to a practical reality seems impossible.
I am now going to confess the greatest thing I want to change about myself, but have, for years, seemed unable to do so:
I have had an emotional and sexual dependence on internet pornography. Even while following my own program, The Six Week Super Challenge, it was the abstaining from porn “commandment” that I struggled with the most (and I admit, failed on a few occasions).
I feel as though I have got my life together in most regards. My online business is starting to take off and I am halfway through writing my third novel (being a novelist was a childhood dream of mine — and I’m starting to live it!) I still occasionally need to work casual shifts for other employers, but I’m growing powerful enough (read: financially independent) to not rely on these shifts as much as I used to.
However, despite all these positive developments, I still occasionally succumb to the lure of online porn.
What’s wrong with that? You may say. Everyone needs a little escape. Fantasy and masturbation is natural. You need the occasional release.
Well, I don’t necessarily disagree with those sentiments, but I also don’t believe that falling into a dope-addled daze for hours on end, while watching increasingly questionable material in order to get off, is the kind of occasional release that I want in my life.
While I still have that dependency — even if it’s only occasional — to disappear into a porn oblivion, I am still not 100% living in the here and now. I am not actively building relationships with women, because my brain has tricked me into thinking I don’t have to. I am not actively seeking satisfaction in the real world, because I have set an unrealistically high bar for myself in the fake world.
I don’t know how to address this except to keep on trucking. The more I thrive in reality, the less I want to escape into a pornographic unreality.
I haven’t tried out the following courses, but maybe I should. As an atheist, I am perturbed by the religious overtones of most programs designed to get men off porn. Does anybody know of any good ones? Or have any advice at all?
Here are some courses that claim to help you free yourself of addiction: